My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
