u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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