I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
