Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
