I bet he comes in French.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
