haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize