mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
