you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
