elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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