how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize