Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
