im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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