weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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