Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
pray to the hookup gods
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize