I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her vagine was all disorganized.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
