Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
