I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
