I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
