do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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