do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
