You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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