these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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