i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
foreskin is a definite game changer
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
