ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
