We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
