trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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