Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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