walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
