Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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