If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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