I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
