Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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