What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
