I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How does it feel to date your dad?
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