I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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