i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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