You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
