I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
