So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
