I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize