I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
