Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
