I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
