I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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