I look better un-naked...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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