My Higher Power is John Stamos
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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