Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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