Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
