I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
