he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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