ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
