I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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