Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
