I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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