sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
