Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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