My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
