My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize