In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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