oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
