my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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