it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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