I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
