sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
